Hey Everyone- quick update. I got my ECG back and it was fine. I have something called a partial/imcomplete right br@nch bund1e bl0ck which my Dr. says in my case is totally benign and unrelated to my Bulimia. She even said that this often shows up in error on ECGs due to the palcement of the little sticky things- THANK THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So there is good news- all my blood levels are normal expect my ridiculously low iron-which is easy to fix. I am taking supplements and changing up my diet. No word back yet on the ECG-which means one of two things it is fine or it isn't back yet. Either way I am going back to see the Dr. in two weeks. I am VERY proud of myself for doing this scary ass thing. I am happy my K levels are good.
So...I went to the Dr. and she sent me for an EKG (ECG) and some blood work. She didn't seem too worked up about it as she pointed out that if I was having heart problems (serious ones) I would be passing out-which I never have. She told me I was doing everything right and to hang in there. HOWEVER....the EKG/blood work was a totally traumatic, albeit slightly funny, experience. In Toronto when you are perscribed a test you take a form to one of the many many many labs around here and they adminster it on the spot. So I leave the university, get on the bus and go to this lab in this industrialized area of town. I walk in, hand the woman my sheet and she ushers me into her backroom. She draws my blood - no biggies- barking orders at me. I feel the need to point out at this juncture that our first languages were not the same and therefore there was SERIOUS communication issues. More importantly she was SUPER SUPER RUDE. She takes me into the EKG room and makes me take off my bra and shirt. She starts sticking all of those round things...I assume they are transmitters- all over my body and by this point I am having a full on anxiety attack. My heart is pounding and she is screaming at me to relax. Helpful no? I try to tell her that I really need a minute to collect myself and she screams at me NOT TO TALK and to RELAX. Needless to say it didn't go well. My BPM was 115 and it is usually about 65. I hope I don't have to go back...........I can't do that again. It was sooooo fucking scary. I hope they can take that into account when they read it. I hope my Dr. just says- YOU ARE FINE!!!!! Regardless I am VERY proud of myself for going and taking care of this. I had these tests on Thursday and have heard nothing----this is a good sign and I will go back in 2 weeks to see her again. Wish me luck
I am currently at the clinic at my university. I have signed back up for counseling here- my first appt. is on Wednesday AND I am seriously considering going back on the SSRIs. My anxiety is through the roof- My heart is palpitating and racing. I am having crazy dreams and generally freaking out. I am not enjoying life right now and I really NEED a clean bill of health. So I guess I am trying to get my shit together AGAIN! And the only way to do that is to do what terrifies me most- talk to a Dr. about my condition. What if he makes me go for an EKG? I HATE these. I have only ever had one and they scare the CRAP out of me. My heart races and races and I obsess about the results. I convince myself I am dying.... I am still not purging which is awesome. But now my anxiety it out of control. I am crying all the time. I am somehow getting work done- no idea how???? Need support! And some reassurance.
HELLLOOOOO everyone. I am 1.5 days into my how long can I go without purging adventure. I REALLY REALLY WANT TO PURGE RIGHT NOW SO I AM HANGING OUT IN MY FRIEND'S OFFICE INSTEAD- He is also MIA. I know why I want to purge. I am working on a very hard paper and it isn't coming very well which makes me feel worthless which translates into fat. So far I have had: Yesterday: apple, banana, salad (veg), brown rice, steamed veggies, an egg, 1 piece of rye toast, 2 rice cakes, two squares of dark chocolate, natural juice, water and coffee (1 cup). Exercise: 50 mins elliptical moderate effort plus 15mins weight lifting Today: apple, bananas, salad (veg), brown rice, 1 rye toast w/ natural PB (1tbsp) grapes (1 cup) strawberries, water and coffee ( a lot I am writing a paper but I am matching cup of coffee with cup of water). Exercise: None- writing a paper plus I worked out yesterday and purging thru exercise is still purging. For those of you who know a lot about nutrition am I missing anything major. I plan on having some chicken with my veggies tonight.
I am back in hell- FF's post really stuck with me. I am NOT purging everyday but I am purging and my heart is skipping beats again.......I guess I will start again tomorrow. I thought I had this motherfucking thing beat. I have 90 days till my wedding- can I at least put together a month purge free before I get married. This is my goal. I am going to be talking about food A LOT here in the next little while and exercise. So if that is triggering for you then please don't read. Right now I am so hungry and empty and I LOVE that feeling. LOVE IT! WTF??????I need to let go of loving this feeling...........Need to learn not to love it. How can I stop loving it? How can I start loving me?
